Carolyn Hax: She’s struggling with sister’s surprise pregnancy news


dear carolyn: After suffering from infertility for many years and undergoing fertility treatment many times, I chose not to have children. A few weeks ago her sister announced her sudden pregnancy and I am really distressed, how can I tell her this without sounding like a terrible, jealous person?

He will be the only grandchild in our family, but I can’t help but feel that he is being treated unfairly. There are some other family dynamics here as well. She (She always seems to be doing well for her and my parents are more supportive of her.)

I feel like a terrible person/sister, but I’m also really struggling.

surprised: Thank you for your good work. I understand that your feelings are particularly raw right now.

That’s why it’s not only okay to tell your sister how you feel, but it’s important to do so. Be kind, be generous.

There is always the risk that someone will not respond to your sincerity. Especially if your hormones are strong and you’re attuned to your own big emotions. However, other methods of communication, such as facial expressions, gestures, and conspicuous absences from family gatherings, are often less sensitive and less sensitive than your verbal choices, whether you want to or not. I’ll tell you the truth.

I think she knows your treatment and your disappointment. If so, keep your approach to her pregnancy news simple and make three key takeaways. you are very happy with her Your feelings are raw right now, and you may not look as happy with her as you think. She hopes she will allow it.

If she doesn’t know, be aware of your feelings stemming from your own tough decisions about having children.

Again, no matter how kindly or effectively you communicated, she may not have received your message well. You can only try to do the right thing by both of you.

That may include your own reckoning, personally, with the resentment you still carry from family dynamics. Just because it contributes to your current painful feelings doesn’t mean you should express it. , with the help of a therapist, you can choose to maintain perspective rather than indulge in resentment. Your sister did not choose her position over you. The child she has doesn’t choose to give your sister any attention or frustrations with you.

In fact, if you and your sister are close enough, both familially and geographically, and have stabilized your emotions by then, cultivating a bond with your child as a loving aunt can help you turn this difficult story into a graceful one. You can add a twist. Warmth will be a balm for both of you.

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