while writing our book All Love: Heal Your Heart and Find Meaning After Miscarriage, Co-author Kim Hooper and I have frequently (daily, hourly, incessantly) and irregularly (feelings come and go and reappear vengefully after long periods of separation), We discussed unexpected emotions, sometimes discordantly (for example, getting angry when someone was nice). ) post-abortion surface. Ms. Kim had suffered her four miscarriages. She had two ectopic pregnancies and one in the third trimester.
These feelings are often first manifested in medical settings. So you’d expect providers to show sensitivity and reserve a space in which the rollercoaster awaits, or at least acknowledge their patients. However, recent research shows the opposite. According to recent research, Scandinavian Journal of Caring Science“Parents who have experienced an involuntary miscarriage encounter nurses and midwives when they need care. will be changed to
Here are some of the thoughts and themes I wanted to share for those who are in the midst of similar grief.
What is something you probably didn’t realize until you experienced it for the first time? Did your experience change/deepen/expand each one?
My first defeat was a complete shock to me. I have always been a Type A achiever and have always done the ‘right thing’. I did everything right and couldn’t figure out why it wasn’t working. I was also lucky that I didn’t experience too many personal tragedies, so the invincibility of my youth was still there. After that initial defeat, I changed and felt more vulnerable to tragedy. We have really sunk into having so little control over so many things and have learned to let it go.
It may seem counterintuitive, but conflicting feelings can surface during the grieving process. It can be confusing. What was your experience like and what would you like others to know?
The grieving process is very complicated. I wanted it to be linear. I wanted a checklist to follow. I was often taken by surprise by the emotions I experienced. The next day I felt quietly accepted. Not knowing how I will feel from one day to the next is very unsettling. Some of the women I spoke to said they were also ambivalent about the loss itself. It was often mixed with guilt. It can all get very confusing. There are so many waves in the grieving process and learning how to ride each wave is an ongoing challenge. If you feel terrible today, trust that it won’t last forever. It has its ups and downs.
If for some reason you didn’t feel connected to your baby right away, you may feel guilty about losing yourself or feel like you don’t have the right to grieve. did you surprise
When writing this book, I spoke with several women who mentioned this. And she feels a sense of loss, saying, “It must be because she didn’t feel confident about becoming a mother.” And they assume they should “get over it” because they weren’t investing as much as they should have. The reality is that these types of losses can actually affect us in ways we might not expect. , I thought the initial loss was a punishment for my uncertainty. The grief I felt about losing a baby was exacerbated by its underlying guilt. There tends to be
Believing that one’s body has “messed up” is a way of taking personal responsibility for one’s losses. In this way, you have internalized the expectations that society places on you: the expectations of becoming a mother.
I always find that in situations like this where there is no clear answer and no solid reason for something to happen, we turn on ourselves. It’s more comforting than accepting that sometimes there’s no fault, and sometimes bad things happen. I wanted to believe it was something I did (or didn’t). But of course it doesn’t work that way. Like many things in life, miscarriages are often random and have nothing to do with what a person did or didn’t do.